Black Mother of 3

     There are many more important topics that should be up for discussion right now, and I understand that. The topic of race seems to be a hot button issue in recent days, due to the shooting of Michael Brown, and the subsequent decision to not prosecute his shooter Officer Darren Wilson. I don't know much about the circumstances of this case and I don't pretend to. A good friend of mine once asked why I chose to live in ignorant bliss. My answer was and is still simple; why choose to see all of the bad in the world or go look for it. I see ugly on a regular basis, I don't have to search it out.

    The purpose of me writing this is to show my friends and others, what is behind the smile and silly nature that I have. I will share things in this post that I haven't shared with much of anyone. For those of you who happen upon this and don't know me personally, I hope this helps you to understand what it's like to be in my skin on an average day, and I pray that I articulate my true feelings well enough for you to walk away a better person for knowing what I have shared.

     I am a black mother of three. I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood, where I first heard the word "nigger." Don't get your panties in a bunch quite yet. It was my stepfather that said the word to me, in one of the many conversations we would later have about being a black child. I believe his exact words were "if anyone ever calls you a nigger at that school, you have permission to punch them right in the mouth!" I didn't quite understand why I was getting permission to hit someone, nor did I understand the true value of the word.

     I never heard the word that year, but it did come. No one said it at me, so to speak, but it was said in my presence by white children and even more so as an adult. You see, because I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood (and I mean like really white, like you could count the black people on one hand in the entire school), I spoke like they did. I behaved like they did. I listened to the same music, wore the same clothes, liked the same boys. Because of this, the word was thrown around and they would look at me after and say "no offense" or "you don't count, because you're not really black." The first time I heard it, it hurt me to my core and it still does. I don't like it when anyone uses the word. Seriously, you could be so black that you've created a new color, and I still would cringe internally at the word. Why do I have such a visceral reaction to a word that does not describe me or anyone I know? The word was used years before I was born to humiliate and dehumanize a whole group of people, a group that happens to be part of my ancestry. Think about that the next time you let that word slip. No one is less than, and that word has been made to mean just that.

     As a black mother of three, I have heard pretty awful things. I worry about things that other mothers don't worry about. I also have a strength that is unmatched because of these awful things. A typical day out and about usually entails some stares or dirty looks. The people that are doing it may not even be aware of the expression on their faces, some may. Either way, it happens. I have been asked straight out, the following questions, and statements. They did not sugarcoat for me or my children, so I won't sugarcoat for you. "Do they all have the same daddy?" "Why did you have so many kids?" This one is most recent, by my sons 1st grade teacher. "I know you have a bunch of other kids at home, so maybe one of them can help with his homework." "Why aren't they all the same shade?" "Its a shame black men don't stick around. You could use some help." "I know that one has to have a different dad because he's not real black like your other ones." You get my point, I don't think I have to give more examples. All I can say is people can be rude. I don't condemn a whole race, because some people of that same color are ignorant.

     As a black mother of three, these are some of the thing I have heard. "I don't know why they have so many if they can't afford them." That was said while I walked through J.C. Penny. Once as my toddler (at the time) started to throw a tantrum I heard "I bet she doesn't even know who that poor kids father is."  I have even heard "she has a Louis Vuitton, but I'm sure she has a food stamp card too" while I was in line to check out at Wal-Mart. People really should learn how to be better whisperers. Were my feelings hurt in these situations? Absolutely, and everything wanted to boil over. I wanted to yell and tell them how ignorant they were, but I didn't. I pretended I heard nothing and went on about my way. As a black woman I often feel I don't have the right to display my outrage in a very therapeutic yelling session at the wrongdoers. If I yell at them, it will only continue to perpetuate the stereotype as an angry black woman. Some people may feel that is me being overly conscious of what other people think, but I have seen and learned that when it comes to this particular subject, you must pick your battles.

     When I was younger I learned from the words my mother didn't say. I learned from the actions I saw her taking. I learned from the conversations I overheard or the hushed comments between whomever she was speaking to. My mother demanded respect from us, inside and outside of the home and one phrase that she would repeat throughout my childhood was "y'all can't be acting like these white kids in the store." That may not be the exact phasing, but it was very close to that. When people see toddlers throwing fits in the store, the reactions from others are different between the races. Most of the time if the child is white, people may giggle or smile, saying something along the lines of "she's got her hands full." When it's a child of color throwing the tantrum, the reaction is markably different and you get comments like I mentioned above.

     These situations occur for a lot of different people of color. The phasing may be different, but the hurt feelings are still the same. I've heard similar things said about Hispanic families, but what hurts my feelings most about that, is people are far less discrete. I've noticed a lot of people that are so bold as to be rude, are saying it loud enough for the people they are discussing to hear them. Here's something those people may not realize, some of those Hispanic families speak and/or understand English, so they hear you. They may not react, but they hear you. Here's a thought though people, stop being jerks. If you wouldn't say it about you own race in the same situation, don't say it about another. If it means you have to ask yourself that before speaking, then ask yourself.

    As a mother of two black boys, I have to be extra vigilant in making sure they understand how their presence can make people feel threatened, while at the same time helping them understand they have value. I have to have a a conversation with them when they get a little taller about how they will "fit the description" most of the time, and how to react when they do. There's a post going around social media right now on that topic. Though the post is coming from black mothers, other races of color are effected as well. Sometimes the reason for being pulled over is because you're brown and the sad truth is, if you don't act in a manor that is completely compliant, you can get tased or worse. As parents our goal should be raising a boy in America, not raising a black boy in America or a (fill in the blank) boy in America.
 
     I know that racism is and always will be a sensitive topic and most of us like to pretend that it doesn't exist anymore. It does exist. I myself like to live in my ignorantly bliss bubble and pretend that racism is something of the distant past, but if you would like to find out if it's as dead as you believe it to be, take a moment to look up a couple of things. The first thing I would suggest, is looking up "sun down towns" take note of where these towns are, you may be surprised. Another thing to look up is "disproportionate representation" in the department of human services and department of corrections in your state. Black and Hispanic kids are more likely to be overly reported for abuse and/or neglect, less likely to be placed back in their homes and less likely to be adopted. This means, a large group of these kids are being removed from their homes to grow up in the foster care system. Sadly not all of the kids put in this system even go to foster homes. They are placed in group homes or other residential settings. These are things people should be educated on. Different cultures parent differently and the colored representation in the department of human services portion is unjustly skewed. This is something I witnessed with my own eyes and it broke my heart every time.

     I could probably fill a book, but I will let you know, my children are raised differently. In my house, respect comes first, because outside of my house, I don't want my children to know the ugly that comes out of peoples mouths for their age appropriate behavior. My kids are happy kids, but when in public, they are on their best behavior, so they don't acquire the label of "that bad black kid." My kids speak properly, because I don't want them treated any differently because they "sound black." I do everything in my power so they don't acquire any negative stereotype, knowing no matter how hard I try they will still be labeled, because I am. I was raised in a white neighborhood, have a college education, was married to my children's father for 14 years, but I am a black mother of three. The last thing I said is the first thing they see.



What things have you heard being a mother of color, or simply a person of color? Share in the comment section. 

Shower Therapy

Am I the only one that uses showers as therapy? I love to just stand there for as long as possible, until all the hot water runs out. If I'm happy I shower. If I'm sad and need a good cry, I shower. If I'm mad, I shower. If I'm contemplating life decisions...you got it folks, I shower. I look like a lobster when I exit because I make the water as hot as I can stand it. Some people wonder why I don't do baths and it's really simple; I cannot sit still for that long. I need to expend energy almost constantly and sitting in a tub to relax makes me anxious. Maybe I'm a weirdo, but if you read the intro to my blog...I warned you! 

Is Ferguson a Black Problem?

                                             (image from: www.fastcompany.com)

With all of the unrest that is going on in Ferguson, MO one could come to the conclusion from the images on the screen, that this is a black problem. I disagree. What is happening in Ferguson and other communities across America, is an American problem, not just a black problem.

These officers and random vigilante citizens are killing American kids. These kids have futures, families and friends. These children could hold the cure to cancer or ALS. Their minds are not dull because of the color of their skin. They are not less than, because they are tan year round. These are America's babies. These are future presidents, doctors, and teachers. Shooting an unarmed child should not be tolerated by anyone.

The people of Ferguson are exercising their rights as American citizens and are being met with brute force by police officers. There are reports from the front line on what is occurring and a lot of what is being reported is of underhanded actions of the police. Police officers inciting the crowds to get a reaction that can be construed as violent, so they can in turn use violent force. It is not just citizens reporting such claims, but reporters as well.

I've always been taught, if you don't like something; change it, and that's what these people are doing. This is not the first time a police officer has shot an unarmed child without real immediate consequence. These officers receive pay while suspended and will likely return to work when the media coverage dies down. This behavior is unacceptable and as Americans we should demand more of the people sworn to protect us.

I really could go on forever on this topic, but I will leave you with these links. We need to show the world that we value ALL lives in our country. We need to show the local governments that we as Americans will not stand for this senseless behavior from our police officers and fearful citizens. No one should have to teach their children to fear police officers. This is all getting out of hand and we as Americans need to get mad enough to do something about it!

http://www.theroot.com/photos/2013/06/unarmed_black_men_shot_by_police_20_sad_stories.html

http://m.myfoxal.com/myfoxal/pm_/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=od:MeppdEqo

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5673291?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000010

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5678434?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Perfectly Imperfect

Ever since I was a preteen, I was teased. I was teased at home and at school. No, no one was just out right mean at home, but there was a lot of teasing going on that I now understand was body shaming. This revelation is not meant to make anyone feel badly, I wholeheartedly believe that if I had expressed how the joking and teasing made me feel, they would have stopped or at least tried. I grew up knowing I was loved. I knew my large family would do anything for me as I would for them, but the "harmless" teasing was hurtful. Things that I had no control over were fair game and still seem to be. From preteen to young adult, I heard things like "you're so skinny", "you have no shape whatsoever", "you don't have a black girl body", "you look like you need to eat a burger or four." Literally the list could go on and on. I often felt like I wasn't good enough, I didn't have the right kind of body to be black, I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough, I WASN'T ENOUGH!

It's slightly painful for me to even write this blog and a big part of me wishes that no one in my family ever reads it. I'm quickly going through my memory bank to see if anyone in my family reads this thing at all ha ha! Anyway, things are painful because as an adult I often find myself feeling like I'm not enough. I still hear the same comments "you don't have any boobs", "you don't even have a butt", "you're shaped like a toothpick", and since I started running I heard that I lost what little butt I did have. I'm also not supposed to exercise, you know, because I'm "already too skinny". I don't know where this ends. I get called out by complete strangers. I heard a mom tell her teenager (after her daughter said she wanted my body), that I was sick. Her exact words were "You don't want to look like her, she's sick. She has to throw up or not eat for her to stay that skinny. It's not natural. Men don't like women like that anyway." Yes, I remember word for word, because those words stung. Suddenly, I was back to being 14 and being accused of being anorexic in the hallways at school. I was so flabbergasted, I couldn't part my lips to respond. I just stood there and listened to her call me sick.

This is not a woe is me kind of blog, I grew up to be a confident self sufficient woman, but that took some work. It took one marriage and three kids before I figured out my worth. I got great at pretending to be confident and I had everyone fooled, except the men that were drawn to me. There was something that let them know that inside I was weak. I was never physically abused, but verbal abuse happened so subtly, that I was unaware that it could even be classified as verbal abuse. They wanted to pull me down, break me down, bring me to their level, because of their own insecurities and weaknesses. Spending two years alone and just focusing on myself and kids helped me find me. I was no longer that meek little girl. I knew my worth, I had a very short limit of the B.S. I would put up with and I've stuck to it.

...But, coming home, not to visit, but to stay, has changed my confidence (slightly) that I worked so hard to build. I'm hearing the same things, with a little giggle behind it. I stand and smile. I say nothing. My feelings are hurt, and I stand there smiling like a fool instead of speaking up. What is wrong with me? I can't help it that I'm thin. My "assets" are proportionate to my body, thankfully. People advocate for obese and average size women to feel comfortable and confident in their skin and I think it's great. What you don't hear about, is the shaming that goes on of us naturally thin girls, or previously overweight girls that worked their butts off (literally). I have had several gym memberships, but only went a hand full of times to each. When I did go to the gym, women would ask why I was there since I was already skinny. I would feel like I needed to go down my family's hereditary ailments that I was hoping to fight off. I never stayed long. If they didn't directly speak to me, they would talk about me a little louder than needed with their friend...or they would just stare me down with that look. Every woman knows that look. It's not friendly or inviting.

I was asked by some very sweet friends of mine a few years ago if "everything was alright," because I lost weight from being more active than I was when I first met them. They were sweet and caring in their approach, so I do not fault them. Others do it as a shame method. It's not OK to assume that someone has an eating disorder because they are not the size YOU think they should be. Eating disorders are serious business and shouldn't be joked about and the label shouldn't be shoved on someone because of their smaller size. I know a few people that struggle with food and feeling comfortable with eating and they need support not ostracized. People should feel comfortable at any size. It's not OK to shame overweight people and it's not OK to shame thin people. In the end, it's their body not yours. If you aren't happy with the way YOU look, do something about it. And if you don't know how to compliment another person, it's perfectly fine not to say anything at all. Don't make others feel badly.  

Are we becoming a bubble wrap society?

There's something that has been bugging me over the past couple of years. First it was the participation trophies for having your name on the roster. You didn't even have to actually play. The snot nosed kid that sat on the bench crying every game because the grass was too wet or his cleats got mud in them (we all know that kid), well, even he gets a trophy. His total playing time was maybe 30 minutes during the entire season. Johnny Twoshoes that scored 85% of the goals and carried the team because his mother secretly banged Drew Brees (we all know this kid too!), well guess what; he gets the same participation trophy as Snotty McSnoterson over there. I don't think that's completely fair, and neither does a good majority of parents. Since most of us moms weren't lucky enough to have a super secret affair with a professional athlete, we take pride in our child's moderately deserved participation trophy. Heck, that's the only way I can keep up with what sports my kids have already tried and how many years they have been in a particular sport. Don't judge me.

Taking it a step further, there seems to be this "don't embarrass the child/no one should ever have their feelings hurt/completely child centered bullsh*t movement". Is this supposed to prepare our children for the real world? Let me explain where my frustration comes from. I teach pre-k and I absolutely love my job and my kids in my classroom. What I do not love is all of this touchy feely, don't hurt their feelings bullsh*t! We received a memo about a month or so ago about not using time out or separating them from the group as discipline for misbehaving. Now, this is preschool. Misbehaving is something that occurs on a daily...no, hourly basis. Some things are little like running in the classroom. Some things are big, such as slapping your friend with a book because she took the one with the ladybug on the front. Obviously one is more serious than the other. The first scenario needs a quick reminder of "we use walking feet in the classroom". The second scenario should do what?! I don't know, because we were never given a solution as to how to address the issue without using time out.

The reasoning behind this bullsh*t is their little feelings. Some where once upon a few months ago, some idiot did a study or not, I really don't know. Anyway, this a**hole decided that, putting children in time out would hurt their itty bitty feelings and would embarrass them. Well guess what?! It hurt little Lizzie's feelings when Jerkface Jr. smacked her in the face with a book. It hurt her feelings that he was only told to remember the rules. It hurt her feelings that 17 other children saw her get knocked upside the head with the dinosaur book. It hurt my feelings that one of my babies was hurt and upset and I couldn't fix it. Jerkface Jr. will go to kindergarten thinking its OK to smack kids with books, blocks, trucks or whatever her decided to use as a means to get what he wants.

On to the next pile of sh*t. We are being told not to reward the children for good behavior. "Children should behave because it's the right thing to do". I call BULLSH*T! Yes, you have some children that will behave no matter what and we all love those children. Then you have children like Jerkface Jr. that need a sticker chart or some other behavior modification tool, to get him to behave. Eventually, he will learn to do the right thing because it IS the right thing. Right now, bribery is the right thing. It gets Jerkface Jr. to behave occaisonally, so he can have a special treat from the treasure box and sweet angel Lizzie gets treats regularly just for being Lizzie DoGood.

Let's not leave out the parents that don't want to hurt their feelings. This is a class of 4-5 year olds. None of them can tie shoes, and only a few can zip their own jackets. A good portion of my day is spent zipping and buttoning pants, tying shoes and honestly, telling kids to figure it out. These children now days are so behind with everyday things because their parents don't want to hurt their f*cking feelings. I had a child in my class that did not learn how to put his own coat on until after his 5th birthday. Are you f*cking kidding me?!? We parents get so caught up in the rush of everyday that we don't teach our children the simple things and then when we try to teach them...they struggle. After watching them struggle for approximately 30 seconds, we do it for them. We don't want them to lack any confidence by hurting their feelings a little. Even if we aren't the ones hurting their feelings. His f*cking coat is hurting his feelings. I'm not going to be putting on my 16 year old's coat because I didn't want his feelings hurt when he was 2 and couldn't figure it out in under 30 seconds.

I just want to know when we as a society became so caught up on feelings. In the real world, if I slap a kid with a book, I'm going to get time out. I'll lose my job and do some time in jail. Time out at its finest for us adults. If I do an extra special how ya doin' kind of job, I'll get a bonus or raise or even just a small praise from my boss or colleagues. If I suck at something, I'll know because my mom isn't going to jump out of the bushes and fix it for me so I can have this false sense of confidence. Yes, my feelings will be hurt. Yes, I will get over it. Then I'll take the knowledge that I suck at this one particular thing and find something that I'm super awesome at eventually or I'll keep trying this thing I suck at until I rock it out. I don't get a participation trophy for being a mom. I don't even get a thank you for washing their stinky clothes. I know, motherhood is a thankless job, but d*mn it, where's my trophy?!? My kids are polite, sweet, respectful little creatures. They didn't come out like that! I just worry we are raising a society of overconfident, self-centered, egotistical Jerkface Jr.'s. Everyone's going to walk around thinking that their the best until someone says they think their hair is stupid, then they'll run screaming and crying with flailing arms to their moms basements and refuse to come out without their cubbie and a glass of chocolate milk with the special straw.

Ask yourself, are you one of these parents?

~J~

Nail Salon

     I'm currently at the Super Happy Nail Beautiful Salon getting a much needed pedicure while my best friend gets a St. Paddy's  Day mani. The woman has spent about 20 minutes scrubbing my feet with the little cheese grater thingy, she rubs my feet and keeps scrubbing. Either this woman is really anal or my feet are horrible. Obviously I'm sitting here thinking my feet are just awful and I should never wear sandals again. I'll have to be that crazy lady that wears Jesus cruisers with her party socks and booty shorts. 

     I've been sitting here so long, my water is lukewarm at best. The massaging chair has come to an end, which I have mixed feelings about. There's a buttocks massager part of the chair that kept pushing a softball sized bump into my vag. I'm not sure if I should be offended or titilated. 

     Did this lady just upgrade me?! Hot stone massage that I'm almost positive I didn't ask for. Did I?! Was I drunk when I walked in the door? No, I'm sure you can't get drunk from thinking about a huge bottle of wine. These hot stones are phenomenal and so is Rose. Rose, I love you. My aching muscles want to ask for your hand in marriage. Thank you for the upgrade Rose, thank you! Ahhhhhh *heaven*

~J~

This gem lol

I'm going to punch this snow in the face!

     Here in our fabulous sleepy little town in  North Carolina, we are going on our third snow day, working on our fourth. The roads are bad. I'm from Pennsylvania and wouldn't want to drive on these roads. Packed with snow and a thick sheet of ice, our friendly neighborhood streets are holding us hostage. I would like to leave the house and so would my children. Let me rephrase, my children NEED to leave the house. I love them. I love my children. I love my children. I love my kids...OK! Sorry, I'm back. I had to recite my mantra before my latest rocking spell took place. 

     The munchkins are loving no school, and I loved it yesterday. I loved it the day before. Day 3, not so much. My house has been turned into a jungle gym. The boys built a hammock yesterday, after making grappling hooks to attempt to climb and repel on their closet doors. Now, obviously when they proudly showed me their grappling hooks complete with shoe strings for rope, I did not allow them to attempt the climb. I am proud of their innovation and their vocabulary. I am not so excited about my house being slowly torn down by an 8 and 5 year old boy. My daughter on the other hand has become a vampire. She stays in her room with her little space heater set on melt your face hot. Though, she's come up with some fabulous artwork while baking in her room, I'd still like to see her pretty face now and then. She also comes in handy when the boys are trying to kill themselves when adult supervision is out of the room. 

     I would just like to know who stole the mild southern winters? Why would you do that? When are you going to give it back? You know somethings wrong when the temperature in Anchorage, AK are warmer than MS, AL, NC, and GA. If snow were a person I think it'd be time to punch it in the face! If cold were a person I'd give permission for it to be kicked in the shin. I mean really weather, stop being an a**hole and go back to those cold states. Or you could go kick rocks somewhere else. I hear they are pretty used to snow in Russia. 

     

 

The Escape

I am a writer, have been since I learned how to write. My husband asked me to come up with a description of him. A writer just does not describe someone, they must create a scene, or mood. Here's my description of my husband.

                                                                 The Escape

     But he had the kind of looks that would get any good girl into trouble. Sultry yet, playful green eyes with little flecks of honey sprinkled throughout. He had a clean shaven baby face, adorned with deep dimples and a rebellious goatee. 

     In her eyes, his smile is the reason the sun shone and the moon bated the tides. His hands were those of a working man. Rough, callused and hot. His touch awakened something primal in her. She could feel her mounting pressure release as she breathed in his scent. With all that stirred in her, her heart, mind and body went quiet as she let herself awaken from this daydream. 

     Who was this mysterious god of a man, now standing beside his equally beautiful goddess of a wife. In that moment she allowed herself to be pulled into a fantasy with a complete stranger. A world where her pain no longer existed and she was the desire of a human god. That was her only escape. 

Snow days

With the whole country being covered with snow or ice, with the exception of Florida and Arizona, how are we supposed to function if we didn't make it to the store in time to buy our bread and milk? I mean who doesn't just love milk sandwiches for those couple days of being "snowed in". I happen to be from a snowy state, Pittsburgh, PA receives 9,000 feet of snow per year and has super long winters, which is why I moved south. Well, here in the south, we don't do snow or ice or even the mention of the two. Usually if there's a threat of a snow flake falling two days from now, school is cancelled for two weeks. Obviously that's an exaggeration but, you get my point. Since living below the Mason Dixon for 15 years there's one thing that always piqued my curiosity. What's with the milk and bread for storms?! You can't even make French toast with no egg! So, why milk and bread friends, just why? Things you should stock up on in a storm: water, canned food, PB & J, fire wood, batteries, even toilet paper. Notice what's missing? You got it friends, milk and bread! So unless you've figured out some ingenious way of making milk sandwiches, back away from the isle slowly and duck and cover. These folks get really serious over those almost bare shelves. Well I guess you should use bread for you PB & J, which is actually a sandwich! Seriously though, if you've totally figured out an awesome milk sandwich, share the recipe. DONT YELL AT ME, please ;) 

Oh, so true!

Are you a "Vaccine Pusher"?...

I am pro-vaccine but don't push my views on anyone, and to generalize ALL pro-vaccine parents is unfair. Her main focus (link provided below) is Whooping cough, yes that's huge right now! I see it like the flu vaccine (which my kids never get), the virus is always mutating and the doctors are always a strain behind and the people who tend to get vaccinated usually catch a form of the flu anyway. With that being said, Polio, Measles, and Mumps aren't cool either. These diseases were barely present any more in America, but are making a come back. It's not the vaccinated children that are getting it, so what does that do to her argument? I prefer for my children to be safe from as many diseases as possible, especially ones that are known to be prevented from vaccines. I've known people that vaccinate their dogs against heart worm and rabies but, not their children against major childhood diseases. So, that's something that should be taken into consideration before getting up in arms and defensive about your choices for your children.Yes, My children are part of the heard that are helping to protect un-vaccinated children. I do not fault anyone for their choices for their family. As parents we do what's best for our family and we need to stop being so critical of each other! I only took offense over the generalization of pro-vaccine parents. Yes, I vaccinate. Yes, I am aware some do not. Yes, I support their choice as well as my own. *end rant*

More Proof That the “Vaccine Pusher” Crowd Can’t Think Critically…. | Modern Alternative Mama