The Inevitable Acceptance of Rape Culture as a Parent

           Something devastating hit me while I was driving back to work from my lunch break. I drove past this car lot full of cars with their brightly painted windows displaying the down payment price. I saw a cute little red car that looked like an Easter egg, and thought to myself how my daughter would probably like a car like that because it would remind her of Deadpool. Just as fast as I had that thought, I immediately had the thought about how I had failed to teach her about being pulled over at night. I didn’t tell her that she’s not supposed to pull over on a dark country road, because not all officers are actually officers. Because not all cop cars are actually cop cars. Because not all men who wear blue are there to protect and serve. I didn’t tell her that pulling over on a dark road for flashing blue lights could also mean she’s in a position to be sexually assaulted.

            Now, this isn’t a police bashing post, so untwist your panties. This is a reality post. How many of us women have been told to pull over in a well-lit area? Several years ago in the state that we live, there was a man going around in an old police car that he purchased at an auction, raping women that he would pull over. The police at the time released a statement advising women NOT to pull over for unmarked police cars on isolated roads. The bad guys were wearing the good guys’ outfit, and creating chaos. This realization, that I hadn’t told my daughter to find a well-lit, well populated area to pull over to reduce her chances of being raped by someone disguised as one of the good guys filled me with a sense of urgency to right this wrong.

            I don’t think I am the only parent that has had these “is my daughter prepared to enter the world unguarded” moments. The shift to accepting rape culture by parents is so gradual that you don’t even realize it is happening. When your daughters are little, you laugh a little uncomfortably about the old beating them off with a stick compliment of your daughter’s beauty. That harmless comment is step one of the infiltration of rape culture. We talk to them in the preschool and school age years about boys being rough when they play, excusing the scrapes and bruises these boys cause by playing too rough. By the time our girls reach the teen years, we are teaching them about dressing modestly, as to not attract too much undesired attention. We teach them about ignoring cat calls, and walking fast and with a purpose when around unknown men. We teach them from the time they start developing parts of what makes them inherently female, they are to be fearful of anyone with a penis that they don’t know.

Just when our girls are comfortable with the Stranger Danger memo, we throw them this curve ball…you are more likely to be raped by someone you know. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it’s true, and most women have been warned of this multiple times. So, if I myself, can’t go out into the world unguarded, how the h*ll am I supposed to prepare my daughter? I shouldn’t have to sign my daughter up for MMA classes, so she will know how to get out from underneath someone who is forcing himself on her. MMA should not be a prerequisite for college, but in my house, for my daughter, it is. I shouldn’t have to spend time teaching her how to properly hold her open cup or container while at a high school or college party, because guys should know that she is not some thing to be taken without permission by slipping her a little GHB. I shouldn’t have to tell her that if she sets her drink down, even for a second out of eyesight, that she needs to pour it out. I also shouldn’t have to tell her that if she is being attacked that she needs to be sure to scratch and bite to collect as much DNA material as possible, and leave visible marks, so someone will believe her story.

My daughter is a smart, funny, beautiful girl, who I am afraid to let go out into this world alone. So, do I accept rape culture? Yes. It is a real thing. Rape culture exists. No matter how many feminists blog about how it is unacceptable, we all accept it’s existence because we alone cannot change it. We women have to survive it. We parents have to raise our girls to be aware of it. We parents NEED to raise our boys to value women as people, and not things to be taken or had because “playing rough” has been acceptable all of their lives. We as a society need to raise better men than Brock Turner, his boys club father and old school judge. This is no longer a “boys will be boys’ society. We women deserve to take up space and feel safe while doing it!

Stop Yelling at Me! ~J

           

Photo credit: vagenda

Are we becoming a bubble wrap society?

There's something that has been bugging me over the past couple of years. First it was the participation trophies for having your name on the roster. You didn't even have to actually play. The snot nosed kid that sat on the bench crying every game because the grass was too wet or his cleats got mud in them (we all know that kid), well, even he gets a trophy. His total playing time was maybe 30 minutes during the entire season. Johnny Twoshoes that scored 85% of the goals and carried the team because his mother secretly banged Drew Brees (we all know this kid too!), well guess what; he gets the same participation trophy as Snotty McSnoterson over there. I don't think that's completely fair, and neither does a good majority of parents. Since most of us moms weren't lucky enough to have a super secret affair with a professional athlete, we take pride in our child's moderately deserved participation trophy. Heck, that's the only way I can keep up with what sports my kids have already tried and how many years they have been in a particular sport. Don't judge me.

Taking it a step further, there seems to be this "don't embarrass the child/no one should ever have their feelings hurt/completely child centered bullsh*t movement". Is this supposed to prepare our children for the real world? Let me explain where my frustration comes from. I teach pre-k and I absolutely love my job and my kids in my classroom. What I do not love is all of this touchy feely, don't hurt their feelings bullsh*t! We received a memo about a month or so ago about not using time out or separating them from the group as discipline for misbehaving. Now, this is preschool. Misbehaving is something that occurs on a daily...no, hourly basis. Some things are little like running in the classroom. Some things are big, such as slapping your friend with a book because she took the one with the ladybug on the front. Obviously one is more serious than the other. The first scenario needs a quick reminder of "we use walking feet in the classroom". The second scenario should do what?! I don't know, because we were never given a solution as to how to address the issue without using time out.

The reasoning behind this bullsh*t is their little feelings. Some where once upon a few months ago, some idiot did a study or not, I really don't know. Anyway, this a**hole decided that, putting children in time out would hurt their itty bitty feelings and would embarrass them. Well guess what?! It hurt little Lizzie's feelings when Jerkface Jr. smacked her in the face with a book. It hurt her feelings that he was only told to remember the rules. It hurt her feelings that 17 other children saw her get knocked upside the head with the dinosaur book. It hurt my feelings that one of my babies was hurt and upset and I couldn't fix it. Jerkface Jr. will go to kindergarten thinking its OK to smack kids with books, blocks, trucks or whatever her decided to use as a means to get what he wants.

On to the next pile of sh*t. We are being told not to reward the children for good behavior. "Children should behave because it's the right thing to do". I call BULLSH*T! Yes, you have some children that will behave no matter what and we all love those children. Then you have children like Jerkface Jr. that need a sticker chart or some other behavior modification tool, to get him to behave. Eventually, he will learn to do the right thing because it IS the right thing. Right now, bribery is the right thing. It gets Jerkface Jr. to behave occaisonally, so he can have a special treat from the treasure box and sweet angel Lizzie gets treats regularly just for being Lizzie DoGood.

Let's not leave out the parents that don't want to hurt their feelings. This is a class of 4-5 year olds. None of them can tie shoes, and only a few can zip their own jackets. A good portion of my day is spent zipping and buttoning pants, tying shoes and honestly, telling kids to figure it out. These children now days are so behind with everyday things because their parents don't want to hurt their f*cking feelings. I had a child in my class that did not learn how to put his own coat on until after his 5th birthday. Are you f*cking kidding me?!? We parents get so caught up in the rush of everyday that we don't teach our children the simple things and then when we try to teach them...they struggle. After watching them struggle for approximately 30 seconds, we do it for them. We don't want them to lack any confidence by hurting their feelings a little. Even if we aren't the ones hurting their feelings. His f*cking coat is hurting his feelings. I'm not going to be putting on my 16 year old's coat because I didn't want his feelings hurt when he was 2 and couldn't figure it out in under 30 seconds.

I just want to know when we as a society became so caught up on feelings. In the real world, if I slap a kid with a book, I'm going to get time out. I'll lose my job and do some time in jail. Time out at its finest for us adults. If I do an extra special how ya doin' kind of job, I'll get a bonus or raise or even just a small praise from my boss or colleagues. If I suck at something, I'll know because my mom isn't going to jump out of the bushes and fix it for me so I can have this false sense of confidence. Yes, my feelings will be hurt. Yes, I will get over it. Then I'll take the knowledge that I suck at this one particular thing and find something that I'm super awesome at eventually or I'll keep trying this thing I suck at until I rock it out. I don't get a participation trophy for being a mom. I don't even get a thank you for washing their stinky clothes. I know, motherhood is a thankless job, but d*mn it, where's my trophy?!? My kids are polite, sweet, respectful little creatures. They didn't come out like that! I just worry we are raising a society of overconfident, self-centered, egotistical Jerkface Jr.'s. Everyone's going to walk around thinking that their the best until someone says they think their hair is stupid, then they'll run screaming and crying with flailing arms to their moms basements and refuse to come out without their cubbie and a glass of chocolate milk with the special straw.

Ask yourself, are you one of these parents?

~J~