Something devastating hit me while I was driving back
to work from my lunch break. I drove past this car lot full of cars with their brightly
painted windows displaying the down payment price. I saw a cute little red car
that looked like an Easter egg, and thought to myself how my daughter would probably
like a car like that because it would remind her of Deadpool. Just as fast as I had that thought, I immediately had the
thought about how I had failed to teach her about being pulled over at night. I
didn’t tell her that she’s not supposed to pull over on a dark country road,
because not all officers are actually officers. Because not all cop cars are
actually cop cars. Because not all men who wear blue are there to protect and
serve. I didn’t tell her that pulling over on a dark road for flashing blue
lights could also mean she’s in a position to be sexually assaulted.
Now,
this isn’t a police bashing post, so untwist your panties. This is a reality
post. How many of us women have been told to pull over in a well-lit area?
Several years ago in the state that we live, there was a man going around in an
old police car that he purchased at an auction, raping women that he would pull
over. The police at the time released a statement advising women NOT to pull over
for unmarked police cars on isolated roads. The bad guys were wearing the good
guys’ outfit, and creating chaos. This realization, that I hadn’t told my
daughter to find a well-lit, well populated area to pull over to reduce her
chances of being raped by someone disguised as one of the good guys filled me
with a sense of urgency to right this wrong.
I don’t
think I am the only parent that has had these “is my daughter prepared to enter
the world unguarded” moments. The shift to accepting rape culture by parents is
so gradual that you don’t even realize it is happening. When your daughters are
little, you laugh a little uncomfortably about the old beating them off with a stick compliment of your daughter’s beauty.
That harmless comment is step one of the infiltration of rape culture. We talk
to them in the preschool and school age years about boys being rough when they
play, excusing the scrapes and bruises these boys cause by playing too rough.
By the time our girls reach the teen years, we are teaching them about dressing
modestly, as to not attract too much undesired attention. We teach them about
ignoring cat calls, and walking fast and with a purpose when around unknown
men. We teach them from the time they start developing parts of what makes them
inherently female, they are to be fearful of anyone with a penis that they don’t
know.
Just when our girls are
comfortable with the Stranger Danger memo, we throw them this curve ball…you
are more likely to be raped by someone you know. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it’s true,
and most women have been warned of this multiple times. So, if I myself, can’t
go out into the world unguarded, how the h*ll am I supposed to prepare my
daughter? I shouldn’t have to sign my daughter up for MMA classes, so she will
know how to get out from underneath someone who is forcing himself on her. MMA
should not be a prerequisite for college, but in my house, for my daughter, it
is. I shouldn’t have to spend time teaching her how to properly hold her open
cup or container while at a high school or college party, because guys should
know that she is not some thing to be
taken without permission by slipping her a little GHB. I shouldn’t have to tell
her that if she sets her drink down, even for a second out of eyesight, that
she needs to pour it out. I also shouldn’t have to tell her that if she is
being attacked that she needs to be sure to scratch and bite to collect as much
DNA material as possible, and leave visible marks, so someone will believe her
story.
My daughter is a smart,
funny, beautiful girl, who I am afraid to let go out into this world alone. So,
do I accept rape culture? Yes. It is a real thing. Rape culture exists. No
matter how many feminists blog about how it is unacceptable, we all accept it’s
existence because we alone cannot change it. We women have to survive it. We
parents have to raise our girls to be aware of it. We parents NEED to raise our
boys to value women as people, and not things to be taken or had because “playing
rough” has been acceptable all of their lives. We as a society need to raise
better men than Brock Turner, his boys club father and old school judge. This
is no longer a “boys will be boys’ society. We women deserve to take up space
and feel safe while doing it!
Stop Yelling at Me! ~J
Photo credit: vagenda
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