Ever since I was a preteen, I was teased. I was teased at home and at school. No, no one was just out right mean at home, but there was a lot of teasing going on that I now understand was body shaming. This revelation is not meant to make anyone feel badly, I wholeheartedly believe that if I had expressed how the joking and teasing made me feel, they would have stopped or at least tried. I grew up knowing I was loved. I knew my large family would do anything for me as I would for them, but the "harmless" teasing was hurtful. Things that I had no control over were fair game and still seem to be. From preteen to young adult, I heard things like "you're so skinny", "you have no shape whatsoever", "you don't have a black girl body", "you look like you need to eat a burger or four." Literally the list could go on and on. I often felt like I wasn't good enough, I didn't have the right kind of body to be black, I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough, I WASN'T ENOUGH!
It's slightly painful for me to even write this blog and a big part of me wishes that no one in my family ever reads it. I'm quickly going through my memory bank to see if anyone in my family reads this thing at all ha ha! Anyway, things are painful because as an adult I often find myself feeling like I'm not enough. I still hear the same comments "you don't have any boobs", "you don't even have a butt", "you're shaped like a toothpick", and since I started running I heard that I lost what little butt I did have. I'm also not supposed to exercise, you know, because I'm "already too skinny". I don't know where this ends. I get called out by complete strangers. I heard a mom tell her teenager (after her daughter said she wanted my body), that I was sick. Her exact words were "You don't want to look like her, she's sick. She has to throw up or not eat for her to stay that skinny. It's not natural. Men don't like women like that anyway." Yes, I remember word for word, because those words stung. Suddenly, I was back to being 14 and being accused of being anorexic in the hallways at school. I was so flabbergasted, I couldn't part my lips to respond. I just stood there and listened to her call me sick.
This is not a woe is me kind of blog, I grew up to be a confident self sufficient woman, but that took some work. It took one marriage and three kids before I figured out my worth. I got great at pretending to be confident and I had everyone fooled, except the men that were drawn to me. There was something that let them know that inside I was weak. I was never physically abused, but verbal abuse happened so subtly, that I was unaware that it could even be classified as verbal abuse. They wanted to pull me down, break me down, bring me to their level, because of their own insecurities and weaknesses. Spending two years alone and just focusing on myself and kids helped me find me. I was no longer that meek little girl. I knew my worth, I had a very short limit of the B.S. I would put up with and I've stuck to it.
...But, coming home, not to visit, but to stay, has changed my confidence (slightly) that I worked so hard to build. I'm hearing the same things, with a little giggle behind it. I stand and smile. I say nothing. My feelings are hurt, and I stand there smiling like a fool instead of speaking up. What is wrong with me? I can't help it that I'm thin. My "assets" are proportionate to my body, thankfully. People advocate for obese and average size women to feel comfortable and confident in their skin and I think it's great. What you don't hear about, is the shaming that goes on of us naturally thin girls, or previously overweight girls that worked their butts off (literally). I have had several gym memberships, but only went a hand full of times to each. When I did go to the gym, women would ask why I was there since I was already skinny. I would feel like I needed to go down my family's hereditary ailments that I was hoping to fight off. I never stayed long. If they didn't directly speak to me, they would talk about me a little louder than needed with their friend...or they would just stare me down with that look. Every woman knows that look. It's not friendly or inviting.
I was asked by some very sweet friends of mine a few years ago if "everything was alright," because I lost weight from being more active than I was when I first met them. They were sweet and caring in their approach, so I do not fault them. Others do it as a shame method. It's not OK to assume that someone has an eating disorder because they are not the size YOU think they should be. Eating disorders are serious business and shouldn't be joked about and the label shouldn't be shoved on someone because of their smaller size. I know a few people that struggle with food and feeling comfortable with eating and they need support not ostracized. People should feel comfortable at any size. It's not OK to shame overweight people and it's not OK to shame thin people. In the end, it's their body not yours. If you aren't happy with the way YOU look, do something about it. And if you don't know how to compliment another person, it's perfectly fine not to say anything at all. Don't make others feel badly.
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