There are many more important topics that should be up for discussion right now, and I understand that. The topic of race seems to be a hot button issue in recent days, due to the shooting of Michael Brown, and the subsequent decision to not prosecute his shooter Officer Darren Wilson. I don't know much about the circumstances of this case and I don't pretend to. A good friend of mine once asked why I chose to live in ignorant bliss. My answer was and is still simple; why choose to see all of the bad in the world or go look for it. I see ugly on a regular basis, I don't have to search it out.
The purpose of me writing this is to show my friends and others, what is behind the smile and silly nature that I have. I will share things in this post that I haven't shared with much of anyone. For those of you who happen upon this and don't know me personally, I hope this helps you to understand what it's like to be in my skin on an average day, and I pray that I articulate my true feelings well enough for you to walk away a better person for knowing what I have shared.
I am a black mother of three. I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood, where I first heard the word "nigger." Don't get your panties in a bunch quite yet. It was my stepfather that said the word to me, in one of the many conversations we would later have about being a black child. I believe his exact words were "if anyone ever calls you a nigger at that school, you have permission to punch them right in the mouth!" I didn't quite understand why I was getting permission to hit someone, nor did I understand the true value of the word.
I never heard the word that year, but it did come. No one said it at me, so to speak, but it was said in my presence by white children and even more so as an adult. You see, because I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood (and I mean like really white, like you could count the black people on one hand in the entire school), I spoke like they did. I behaved like they did. I listened to the same music, wore the same clothes, liked the same boys. Because of this, the word was thrown around and they would look at me after and say "no offense" or "you don't count, because you're not really black." The first time I heard it, it hurt me to my core and it still does. I don't like it when anyone uses the word. Seriously, you could be so black that you've created a new color, and I still would cringe internally at the word. Why do I have such a visceral reaction to a word that does not describe me or anyone I know? The word was used years before I was born to humiliate and dehumanize a whole group of people, a group that happens to be part of my ancestry. Think about that the next time you let that word slip. No one is less than, and that word has been made to mean just that.
As a black mother of three, I have heard pretty awful things. I worry about things that other mothers don't worry about. I also have a strength that is unmatched because of these awful things. A typical day out and about usually entails some stares or dirty looks. The people that are doing it may not even be aware of the expression on their faces, some may. Either way, it happens. I have been asked straight out, the following questions, and statements. They did not sugarcoat for me or my children, so I won't sugarcoat for you. "Do they all have the same daddy?" "Why did you have so many kids?" This one is most recent, by my sons 1st grade teacher. "I know you have a bunch of other kids at home, so maybe one of them can help with his homework." "Why aren't they all the same shade?" "Its a shame black men don't stick around. You could use some help." "I know that one has to have a different dad because he's not real black like your other ones." You get my point, I don't think I have to give more examples. All I can say is people can be rude. I don't condemn a whole race, because some people of that same color are ignorant.
As a black mother of three, these are some of the thing I have heard. "I don't know why they have so many if they can't afford them." That was said while I walked through J.C. Penny. Once as my toddler (at the time) started to throw a tantrum I heard "I bet she doesn't even know who that poor kids father is." I have even heard "she has a Louis Vuitton, but I'm sure she has a food stamp card too" while I was in line to check out at Wal-Mart. People really should learn how to be better whisperers. Were my feelings hurt in these situations? Absolutely, and everything wanted to boil over. I wanted to yell and tell them how ignorant they were, but I didn't. I pretended I heard nothing and went on about my way. As a black woman I often feel I don't have the right to display my outrage in a very therapeutic yelling session at the wrongdoers. If I yell at them, it will only continue to perpetuate the stereotype as an angry black woman. Some people may feel that is me being overly conscious of what other people think, but I have seen and learned that when it comes to this particular subject, you must pick your battles.
When I was younger I learned from the words my mother didn't say. I learned from the actions I saw her taking. I learned from the conversations I overheard or the hushed comments between whomever she was speaking to. My mother demanded respect from us, inside and outside of the home and one phrase that she would repeat throughout my childhood was "y'all can't be acting like these white kids in the store." That may not be the exact phasing, but it was very close to that. When people see toddlers throwing fits in the store, the reactions from others are different between the races. Most of the time if the child is white, people may giggle or smile, saying something along the lines of "she's got her hands full." When it's a child of color throwing the tantrum, the reaction is markably different and you get comments like I mentioned above.
These situations occur for a lot of different people of color. The phasing may be different, but the hurt feelings are still the same. I've heard similar things said about Hispanic families, but what hurts my feelings most about that, is people are far less discrete. I've noticed a lot of people that are so bold as to be rude, are saying it loud enough for the people they are discussing to hear them. Here's something those people may not realize, some of those Hispanic families speak and/or understand English, so they hear you. They may not react, but they hear you. Here's a thought though people, stop being jerks. If you wouldn't say it about you own race in the same situation, don't say it about another. If it means you have to ask yourself that before speaking, then ask yourself.
As a mother of two black boys, I have to be extra vigilant in making sure they understand how their presence can make people feel threatened, while at the same time helping them understand they have value. I have to have a a conversation with them when they get a little taller about how they will "fit the description" most of the time, and how to react when they do. There's a post going around social media right now on that topic. Though the post is coming from black mothers, other races of color are effected as well. Sometimes the reason for being pulled over is because you're brown and the sad truth is, if you don't act in a manor that is completely compliant, you can get tased or worse. As parents our goal should be raising a boy in America, not raising a black boy in America or a (fill in the blank) boy in America.
I know that racism is and always will be a sensitive topic and most of us like to pretend that it doesn't exist anymore. It does exist. I myself like to live in my ignorantly bliss bubble and pretend that racism is something of the distant past, but if you would like to find out if it's as dead as you believe it to be, take a moment to look up a couple of things. The first thing I would suggest, is looking up "sun down towns" take note of where these towns are, you may be surprised. Another thing to look up is "disproportionate representation" in the department of human services and department of corrections in your state. Black and Hispanic kids are more likely to be overly reported for abuse and/or neglect, less likely to be placed back in their homes and less likely to be adopted. This means, a large group of these kids are being removed from their homes to grow up in the foster care system. Sadly not all of the kids put in this system even go to foster homes. They are placed in group homes or other residential settings. These are things people should be educated on. Different cultures parent differently and the colored representation in the department of human services portion is unjustly skewed. This is something I witnessed with my own eyes and it broke my heart every time.
I could probably fill a book, but I will let you know, my children are raised differently. In my house, respect comes first, because outside of my house, I don't want my children to know the ugly that comes out of peoples mouths for their age appropriate behavior. My kids are happy kids, but when in public, they are on their best behavior, so they don't acquire the label of "that bad black kid." My kids speak properly, because I don't want them treated any differently because they "sound black." I do everything in my power so they don't acquire any negative stereotype, knowing no matter how hard I try they will still be labeled, because I am. I was raised in a white neighborhood, have a college education, was married to my children's father for 14 years, but I am a black mother of three. The last thing I said is the first thing they see.
What things have you heard being a mother of color, or simply a person of color? Share in the comment section.
