Elf on the Shelf for the Lazy Mom

I get it. You see all of these fancy elves filling up your social media feed, and you think to yourself, “hey, I love my kids just as much as those moms do, but dang that’s just too much and I’m way too lazy.” Or maybe you’re thinking, “I work 40-500 hours a week between work, kids and everything else going on, that’s just too much.”

Well, have no fear. Elf on the Shelf for the lazy mom is here!

I, like you, love my kids dearly. I think they’re the best things ever, and it’s not a blow to the ego that they look like me, so that makes them adorable to boot. Though, I think this whole trend of making your kid’s childhood magical AF and hurt feelings free is complete crap, I do want them to have a little fun with that dang ugly creepy elf. Plus, he freaks my oldest child and husband out. To me, that makes our little tan elf magical enough. 

Let’s get down to the lazy elf business. 

1.  The first thing you want to do is buy the elf on a shelf. You can buy a knock off, or spend the $30 on the name brand elf on a shelf. Bring him home to your kids and let them pick out a name. You can read the book if you want to, or you can skip to the end so you know the gist and go on about your merry way.

2.     Step two is something that will make your life so much easier. Let your chubby faced kids know that they are not allowed to touch the creepy elf or he will lose his magic. This step is important, because if you’re reading this, then you have kids and you know that they can’t resist touching something they’re not supposed to. This will save you on the days you forget to move the elf, or you just don’t feel like it. When they ask why the elf didn’t move, just say “someone must’ve touched him.” If you have more than one kid they’ll turn on each other and you can be satisfied they’re not looking at you as the culprit.

3.      3.  The elf does not need to do anything extravagant, unless you’re feeling extra supermom-y that day. My elf is currently sitting inside of our toaster because he wanted to be a bagel and got stuck. He’s not the brightest elf on a shelf, and yours doesn’t have to be either. They’re Santa’s drones, how smart can they be?

4.       4.  If you remember that you forgot to move the elf, just leave him in the same spot but switch his pose. Or place him somewhere else, remember, elves are stupid and kids are too. And no, I don’t mean your kid isn’t the smartest four year old that ever lived. I mean developmentally, kids are not the brightest crayons in the box either, or let’s face it, they wouldn’t be believing the elf who is made out of plastic and felt is flying to the North Pole to tell some imaginary fat guy what they were up to in order to get Christmas presents. 

5.     5.  Start off slow. Don’t set yourself up for failure or your kids up for disappointment. If you decide to buy the elf, start off by just moving him from surface to surface. If you do this, then when you get a wild hair to try something you saw on Pintrest, your kid will be amazed at your elf’s shenanigans when he does do something interesting. 

6.     6.  Just have fun! No matter what you do, your kid will still think you poop rainbows. You popped those crying little chubby things out. You feed them and shove them out the door so the school can feed them when you forget to pack a lunch, or just don’t pack a lunch. You pick them up when they fall and either kiss their little knees, or tell them to suck it up. Either way, you’re already a kick ace mom and that little elf with his dumb annoying self will be magical AF for your little boogers.

Santa and Your Screaming Kid

So, I was talking to my office mate the other day about Santa and everyone's Santa and  screaming kid pictures we see on our feeds. I posed the question: Why is this an acceptable thing to do? 

It sort of goes against the child's basic instinct, and should go against the parents instinct as well. For some reason every year from the time you sneeze a baby out of your hoo ha, we shove them on some strange mans lap and tell them to like it and smile. 

After instilling in them never to go with strangers, we force them upon a stranger's knee while they scream, cry and look completely terrified, wondering why you aren't saving them. Am I the only one that thinks it's weird? Telling a kid to ignore that little thing in the pit of their stomach, that's there to help them sense danger, seems weird to me and confusing. If not for that gut feeling, they may not know when someone or something feels off. Like I said, the feeling is there for a reason. Yes, sometimes, especially in an anxious child, they need to know that the feeling can be wrong from time to time. It still exists to keep you safe.

I've never made my kids do the whole photo with Santa thing because it didn't sit right with me and we didn't really do Santa as a being that would creep down your chimney and instead of robbing you, leave gifts. 

In fact, my daughter actually had a very sound and logical point about Santa; if he were a real person, he'd be charged with stalking and breaking and entering. Granted, she said this while I was furiously hurrying out of the bathroom before she scarred my then 5 year old for life, but she had a valid point. 

So many parents give Santa the credit for their hard work and to keep thier kids in line throughout the year. I'm here to tell you, Santa is a bit creepy when you think about it, and to make your child sit on his lap may kind of freak them out.  

I'm not saying if you want your traditional santa pic that you're doing something wrong. You can do what you want, after all you sneezed them out. 

Merry Christmas, 

~J~