Tranquil Pines (Sneak Peek)

Chapter One

“Daddy?” Courtney runs over to her fallen father, clutching the corner of the coffee table as he grunts in agony. “Daddy, what is it?” she yells out with concern as her curly strawberry blonde hair falls over her shoulder brushing her father across the cheek and nose. He opens his mouth but only low utters of sound comes out; no noises or tones that seem remotely close to words. “Daddy, is it your chest? Does your chest hurt daddy? Daddy please talk to me!” Courtney cries out with panic as she holds her father's hand as he slides slowly and painfully down the edge of the table and on to his back. Their plush sand colored carpet caught his head, as he fell not making a sound. His head hitting the floor like a ten pound bowling ball. “Oh my god!” she thinks to herself while tears stream down her porcelain face as she sobs over her lifeless father.

Whirls of loud sirens wail over the Beckenhoff household as the ambulance screeches into the black paved driveway. Somewhere within the rush and panic of the evening Courtney must have dialed 911; although her memory of the situation is a blur as though it happened years ago and moments before the ambulance arrived.

Four emergency service people rush in, three average size men and one short small-framed woman with her short blonde hair pulled tight in a bouncing ponytail. The team immediately assesses the situation and executes their job thoroughly. As her father is being wheeled out of the front door of the house where she had experienced her first boo-boo; a flood of memories came pouring in as she held her daddy’s hand as he was furiously rushed into the ambulance awaiting him outside. “What is it?”

Courtney asked while running to get into the ambulance long hair bouncing off of her back like a ball and paddle. “It appears your father may have suffered a stroke, but we won’t know anything for sure until he is seen by the doctors.” The small blonde woman replied as she helped load the gurney onto the ambulance. Courtney speaks aloud with her head in her hands. “A what? There’s no way; he’s in perfect health and walks two miles every morning before breakfast.” The weeping, now childlike woman couldn’t escape the heart wrenching flashes of her once big strong daddy lying helpless on the floor.

“No, no, no.” Her green eyes flood with tears again as she begins to cry uncontrollably. She squeezes her eyes shut and opens them again as if doing so she will suddenly awaken from a horrible dream. Terror and panic once again fill her chest realizing she is not dreaming. “Damn it! This has to be the world’s longest Ambulance ride” she thought as they continued to race down the street. The once beautiful slender woman is now reduced to an openly weeping child in the shell of a woman’s body. She stands up stretching her long shapely legs wanting to pace the floor but without ample room to even stand without bumping her head. With that quick and somewhat painful reality she quickly sits back down, with her body full of jitters and needing to release energy her knee starts to shake profusely.  

Chapter Two

The emergency room was riddled with sickness and pain. Courtney quickly glanced around the room noticing a mother holding her twin girls as all three cried hysterically while the doctor gently rubbed the mother’s shoulder and mouthed the words “I’m so sorry”.

A male doctor approached with white and black peppered hair and copper wire framed classes, wearing turquoise scrubs and a white overcoat. “What do we have?” the doctor asked the EMS team. “A male Caucasian…presenting with…” the words trailed off into another language as she tried to read between the lines of all the medical terminology. “Ma’am nurse Joy is going to have to get some information from you.” The doctor said as he turned and looked Courtney in the eye. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Courtney replied half sobbing while wiping her face with a Kleenex she found while scrounging around in her undersized purse. Large purses simply didn’t fit into Courtney’s life, too much room to lose things in she always said. The doctor turned his attention away from Courtney focusing on the EMS team and said “Take him to exam room three, I’m on my way. Joy!?” The doctor called out while scanning the nurses’ station. “Ah, there you are, this is…” The doctor pauses waiting a reply from the slender woman who was now dabbing at dry red eyes. “Oh… Courtney Beckenhoff” she interrupted quietly while extending her free hand that was once hanging on to her ribcage for dear life.

“Hi Ms. Beckenhoff, I’m nurse Briggs but everyone here calls me nurse Joy. I think it’s because I bring them all so much joy.” The nurse continued to speak while smiling and walking to a private area “That was doctor Nuvall you had the brief pleasure of meeting.” “You can just call me

Courtney” she replied while taking long strides to keep up with the short but speedy nurse. “Okay, Courtney it is. Now I’m going to ask you some questions about your father and please be sure to answer them as thoroughly as possible. If you have any questions during or after don’t hesitate to ask. Nurse Joy certainly lived up to her name in the dismal place that she worked. By the end of the usually boring and annoying set of questions nurse Joy had the worried daughter smiling and laughing. For a split second Courtney almost forgot why she was there.

By the end of the night the once towering, robust Gregory Beckenhoff had been reduced to a shell of his former self. Eyes still terribly swollen and red from spending most of her Saturday crying the still shaken Courtney held her father’s hand as she stroked his face and thought how feeble he now looked. The doctors told her he was stable for now but would need to be kept in ICU for further evaluations and to better monitor his condition. Knowing her father had slipped into a coma she vowed to be by his bed side every free moment she had. Tonight was one of the only nights she had wished she weren’t an only child.

What I Honestly Think About Thinx

First of all, let me just tell you how difficult it was to find a photo of women’s underwear that didn’t look like porn lite. Oh, and I’m also not a fan of the word panties. Even typing it makes me feel all weird and squirmy, and I have no idea why. Ok, let’s get back on track.

If you are a menstruating woman, I’m sure you have heard of the new underwear specifically made for your period. Now, to some that may sound pretty gross, but if you’re like me and hate pantyliners…these could be the key to living your life with a less sweaty lady region. Last month I took some disposable income and spent the money on Thinx to see if they were worth my time. I was really sold by the 60 day money back guarantee, because these undies are a little expensive for them to not work as described (if you get the period pack, they apply a discount).

My package arrived a few days after I ordered it, since I splurged for expedited shipping. I wanted to make sure those things were here in time for P day. What surprised me the most was how cute these underwear were. The thickness wasn’t what I thought, but did remind me a little of bathing suit material. The first day wearing them wasn’t any different than wearing any other pair of underwear. I only use them as a back-up, so you have to determine which use is best for you and what you need.

If you have a heavy cycle, these undies are only good for a back-up, or short wear. The pair for heavy flow days only holds two tampons worth of fluid. The website does not specify if these are regular tampons or super, so I assumed regular. Typically, I use a menstrual cup, which lasts up to 12 hours on regular and light days. On heavy days I can get 4 hours max out of the cup, so these Thinx were absolutely perfect for replacing pantyliners. I’ve used Thinx for two cycles now, and have not had any leaks or other unfortunate situations occur.

These underwear are made out of material that holds off bacteria, so there’s no funky smell. Thinx also does a fairly good job at wicking the moisture away from your body. On light days you can feel confident wearing Thinx as your only protection. These underwear are breathable, cute, and stay in place. I think these are great for when you know your cycle is coming, but you just aren’t completely sure what day, so you don’t mess up your cute undies.

The drawback. Now, y’all knew that there had to be a drawback. Every rave review comes with a critique. You have to rinse them by hand, which is eww for some people. The other thing I dislike is, you can’t use fabric softener on them AND you have to fish through the wet laundry so you can hang dry these bad boys. I’m not one of those ladies that hand wash their delicates, or washes them separate. I just don’t have time for that.

Would I recommend these? Absolutely! If you have a vagina with the slightest chance of it expelling your unutilized uterine lining every 26-31 days, then it’s definitely worth the investment. I’m actually going to buy more, because they came out with even cuter designs. No, I’m not being sponsored by Thinx, but wouldn’t that be cool. I’m simply a lady with a menstrual cycle, who knows other ladies with menstrual cycles that are curious, but too afraid to try the undies without an honest review. So, I took one for the team! 

~J~

Elf on the Shelf for the Lazy Mom

I get it. You see all of these fancy elves filling up your social media feed, and you think to yourself, “hey, I love my kids just as much as those moms do, but dang that’s just too much and I’m way too lazy.” Or maybe you’re thinking, “I work 40-500 hours a week between work, kids and everything else going on, that’s just too much.”

Well, have no fear. Elf on the Shelf for the lazy mom is here!

I, like you, love my kids dearly. I think they’re the best things ever, and it’s not a blow to the ego that they look like me, so that makes them adorable to boot. Though, I think this whole trend of making your kid’s childhood magical AF and hurt feelings free is complete crap, I do want them to have a little fun with that dang ugly creepy elf. Plus, he freaks my oldest child and husband out. To me, that makes our little tan elf magical enough. 

Let’s get down to the lazy elf business. 

1.  The first thing you want to do is buy the elf on a shelf. You can buy a knock off, or spend the $30 on the name brand elf on a shelf. Bring him home to your kids and let them pick out a name. You can read the book if you want to, or you can skip to the end so you know the gist and go on about your merry way.

2.     Step two is something that will make your life so much easier. Let your chubby faced kids know that they are not allowed to touch the creepy elf or he will lose his magic. This step is important, because if you’re reading this, then you have kids and you know that they can’t resist touching something they’re not supposed to. This will save you on the days you forget to move the elf, or you just don’t feel like it. When they ask why the elf didn’t move, just say “someone must’ve touched him.” If you have more than one kid they’ll turn on each other and you can be satisfied they’re not looking at you as the culprit.

3.      3.  The elf does not need to do anything extravagant, unless you’re feeling extra supermom-y that day. My elf is currently sitting inside of our toaster because he wanted to be a bagel and got stuck. He’s not the brightest elf on a shelf, and yours doesn’t have to be either. They’re Santa’s drones, how smart can they be?

4.       4.  If you remember that you forgot to move the elf, just leave him in the same spot but switch his pose. Or place him somewhere else, remember, elves are stupid and kids are too. And no, I don’t mean your kid isn’t the smartest four year old that ever lived. I mean developmentally, kids are not the brightest crayons in the box either, or let’s face it, they wouldn’t be believing the elf who is made out of plastic and felt is flying to the North Pole to tell some imaginary fat guy what they were up to in order to get Christmas presents. 

5.     5.  Start off slow. Don’t set yourself up for failure or your kids up for disappointment. If you decide to buy the elf, start off by just moving him from surface to surface. If you do this, then when you get a wild hair to try something you saw on Pintrest, your kid will be amazed at your elf’s shenanigans when he does do something interesting. 

6.     6.  Just have fun! No matter what you do, your kid will still think you poop rainbows. You popped those crying little chubby things out. You feed them and shove them out the door so the school can feed them when you forget to pack a lunch, or just don’t pack a lunch. You pick them up when they fall and either kiss their little knees, or tell them to suck it up. Either way, you’re already a kick ace mom and that little elf with his dumb annoying self will be magical AF for your little boogers.

People, I Have a Problem!

So. We have acquired a kitten. I know you’re thinking to yourself “how does one just acquire a kitten?” Let me answer that for you. I belong to a page on Facebook for military wives. I am no longer a military wife, but my kids are military kids and it’s nice to have a group of ladies that understand the struggles.

Anyway, someone found an itty bitty kitty playing in the road outside of the base. They of course posted an adorable photo of the kitten asking for some pushover (raises hand “me”) to foster or adopt the kitten. I have too many animals, and some may question if I have too many children as well, but I thought I could totally foster this tiny baby cat until we collectively found her a forever home.

I picked up the cat like an obvious drug deal going down in the middle of the parking lot of a local bakery, but instead of exchanging drugs for money, we exchanged a kitten for a handshake and gratitude. Well, I can’t think of a good reason that I shouldn’t keep her. She’s got a sweet round face and patch work fur. She squeaks and meows. She does obvious cat stuff. She adopted us as her people, and now I can’t give her away. 

No one let me foster another animal. I cannot handle the responsibility. I just can’t do it. I’m a few animals away from being a hoarder.

Yes. I know I have a problem.

Meet our new kitten, Callie Cat!

One day, I too will be a motherless mom

My 36^th birthday crept up on me very quickly. It truly feels like I just turned twenty-five last year, but I digress. This past year I have become more aware of my mortality, as well as the mortality of my parents, but especially my mother. Sure, I learned about this stage of development in adults entering middle age and I understand that it’s perfectly normal. I guess I just didn’t expect for me to hit me at the most inopportune time, my birthday.

Every year my mom calls me for my birthday and before I can speak, she begins singing me the Happy Birthday song. Every year without fail, she sings me the song and proceeds to tell me that my birthday isn’t really until later in the evening, around 7:10 EST. I know that I can count on this phone call, no matter what she’s doing. This year she was at work, and made a point to step out during her morning break and call me for my birthday song. This year was also the year that my adult brain decided it was time to hit this developmental milestone of the middle aged. As my mom happily sang to me as she’s done every year that I can remember, the backs of my eyes began to sting, and a lump formed in my throat. 

For the first time in my entire life, it dawned on me, that I should soak up every pitch of her voice and the way she formed all of her words, because one birthday the phone wouldn’t ring. One birthday instead of awkwardly smiling while she finished the song, instead I would be crying because it would be the first year that I didn’t hear that high pitched squeal following her melodic celebration of my birth. 

Now, as a person in my thirties, I certainly have experienced death, and have several friends that have lost one or both parents. Knowing someone that has lost a parent is not the same as losing one yourself, and the weight that comes along with it. In fact, I’m not sure I would know how to parent without my mom. I still call my mom for all kinds of advice or when my feelings are hurt. I can’t help but want my mom to help me feel better. 

For now, I have decided that I can’t fear what may come in the future. While I still have the luxury of celebrating major life events with my mom, I’m going to enjoy it. I’ll just be sure to cherish the things that I once took for granted. I’ll ask the questions that I don’t remember the answers to. I’ll call and do my best to visit more. I’ll soak up her scent and commit it to memory. 

My mom is one of my very best friends, and when she gets old my siblings and I will likely fight over who she is going to live with (seriously, I see this becoming a very real issue for us). She has taken the time to make each of us feel special, and has nurtured our individual personal relationships with her. I strive daily to be at least half the mom that she was, and is to me. 

One day, I too will be a motherless mom, but today I’m just not ready and may not ever be.

~J~